Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
