my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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