I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
