i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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