peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
