Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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