My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
