Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
