at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
