Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
