I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
