A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
