No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we're making bets on your personal life
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
