I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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