dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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