Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
