I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
