Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
