new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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