Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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