I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
