remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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