It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
