I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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