so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
