I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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