We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
