the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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