mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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