i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
