The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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