listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
