found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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