Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
