Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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