You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.