i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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