Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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