Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You are the jesus of drinking
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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