Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize