Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
