Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
