I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
