Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
