he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You ruined the universe
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
