just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
