what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
