Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
