Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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