"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
