How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
