I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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