I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
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You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
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I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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