just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
