At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I want a musical about memes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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