I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
