I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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