I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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